Last weekend I noticed a post in my Furman portal asking for some student volunteers to speak at a mental health event on campus this Wednesday (yesterday). Suicide prevention advocate Dennis Gillan was going to give a talk in Daniel Recital Hall that evening and he wanted a few students to share their stories as well. Ordinarily I might give it a thought, remember my fear of public speaking, and move on, but this time was different. I started to seriously consider volunteering. I felt like I had gone crazy (pun intended). I mean, this wasn’t me. Haven’t I always been afraid to speak in front of a large group of people? But on taking some internal inventory, I realized I had lost a lot of my shyness over the last seven years due to mental health treatment and the necessities of running my web design business. I also remembered how bold I had become in school, raising my hand frequently in class, meeting with professors, and talking to new people. I think this new extroverted nature partly originates from the fact that this is my second stint at college. I’m 27, living in my own apartment, paying my own bills, and I can’t afford to be shy. I never thought I would get a second chance at Furman and I have to make this count. I’m determined to make an impression. I also can’t be bothered with the insignificant things that worried me at 18 or 20.
So I emailed the event contact and said I would like to volunteer. She introduced me to Dennis and he thanked me, but said that they already had enough speakers. I wrote back that that was fine, but I would be available if one of the other speakers dropped out. I admit I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to go through with my crazy decision, though I half-hoped that a space would open up. Well, it was three hours before the event yesterday afternoon and I received an email from Dennis that someone dropped out and I was up! We talked on the phone and I told him my story, which he found compelling. He told me he was now my new biggest fan. After that I called my mom to tell her about the crazy thing I was about to do. I needed some moral support.
I spent the next couple of hours preparing myself to stand on a stage for the first time since middle school. I prayed to God asking for His strength. Credit to Him and the last seven years of treatment, I didn’t have a panic attack, though my heart was beating very fast. I was both nervous and excited. When I arrived at Daniel Recital Hall, I walked down to meet Dennis and the other two girls who would be speaking. I was supposed to go first. At the designated time during his talk, Dennis called me up on stage. I held the microphone under the bright lights and told the audience my story. Though I owe my recovery ultimately to God’s work, I chose not to include any spiritual references. That may have been a mistake and it was something I wrestled with beforehand. I prefer to speak about my faith in one-on-one situations. God will direct me if this is wrong.
At any rate, this was a monumental step for me. I’m extremely proud that I was able to do it. This and my experiences participating in class have shown me that it is not impossible, as I once thought, for me to speak in front of people. My anxiety does not have to hinder me. One day I can present a research paper at a conference or even give a lecture.