As I mentioned in my About page, I’ve returned to Furman University after seven years to complete my bachelor’s degree in History. While this blog is not solely about that experience, I would still like to share some personal milestones with you.
I had my first class last Tuesday, August 28, 2018. It felt both familiar and strange. The experience of resuming school after the summer has always felt similar no matter if I was in high school or college. There is a certain atmosphere that’s hard to describe, like the summer slowly giving way to autumn, even though it’s still very hot, but there are days when the sky is bluer, the shadows longer, and the air crisper. And there is the expectation of a new academic year, with new teachers and books and new opportunities. It’s usually bittersweet because you realize you must give up your summer freedom and submit again to authority.
This time, however, I wasn’t going there from my parents’ house, where I’ve lived for the past 27 years. I was taking a short drive from my apartment near campus. Also I’m an adult now and generally older than most of my classmates. And I’m not really sacrificing any freedom because I already have adult obligations every day, all year round, such as working at my job and paying bills. The transition was therefore a bit smoother, as I’m not coming off of a three-month period of pure play. I’m already used to doing things I don’t always like to do for most of the day, while enjoying leisure time in the evening and on weekends.
Nevertheless, I had to battle a lot of anxiety during my first week. The last time I was in a classroom, I was barely functioning due to untreated panic attacks. Eventually I just had to walk out of class and put in a request to withdraw from the university. I couldn’t fight anymore. So it’s understandable that I was very nervous returning to that place which I deeply loved but which had been the site of much trauma as well. On the first day, as I walked up to the building and down the hall to the classroom, my heart was beating fast and my brain was conjuring up all sorts of things. I could feel my “fight or flight” mechanism starting to pull me in the wrong direction. My brain was basically saying, “Are you crazy? What are you doing right now?” I knew that the Adversary would love nothing more than to see me quit before even starting. But I prayed to the One who had brought me this far and kept all His promises, who is more powerful than any other force. He protected me and enabled me to keep walking and actually enter that classroom. My nervousness didn’t magically disappear, but I sat down and gradually calmed down. Then the professor introduced himself and asked us to do the same. He started with me and once I spoke a little bit, the spell was broken. Later in class I raised my hand a couple of times to participate in the discussion. I’m really excited about this class, Modern Russia & Eastern Europe, because I’ll be learning more about a fascinating part of the world.
My other two classes are Intermediate German and Modern Europe. I hadn’t originally planned to take German, but after talking with my advisor and a couple of German professors, I learned that it’s important to master at least one foreign language before entering graduate school. Since I had taken three semesters of German during my first stint at Furman, it made sense to stay on that track. After more than seven years, I’m quite rusty, and consequently I was scared that I would be behind my classmates. To my pleasant surprise, we’re all at a similar level. I’ve been studying vocabulary and grammar and trying to watch the German news on Tagesschau every day. While I’m not completely up to speed yet, the knowledge is coming back to me and I can get along pretty well in class. It definitely helps that my professor encourages us to speak German even if we make mistakes. I need to get comfortable with the language because I’ll be taking at least one German course per semester for the rest of my time at Furman, in order to be prepared for using German-only sources in post-graduate research.
Modern Europe is an introductory course which fulfills one of the requirements for my major. I was looking forward to it because I had already talked to the professor via email and he seemed like a cool guy. In addition, he’s done research in my favorite fields and hopefully will make a good mentor for the time that he’s here (he is visiting from another university). Modern Europe will cover Western and Eastern European history, which I believe will reinforce and supplement the content in Modern Russia & Eastern Europe, thus giving me a comprehensive overview of the subject I plan to study in graduate school.
When I was at Furman previously, I was dealing with a lot of emotional, social, spiritual, and psychological issues. In spite of my intellectual progress, I was still a child in many ways. I had friends and tried to be sociable, but I could also be quite withdrawn, afraid to even say “Hi” to my favorite History professor in the hallway, while at other times I might hang out in the German department. It was difficult to participate in campus life, such as joining clubs and attending events, because I commuted from home. Once I got comfortable on campus, I had to drive back; then I would get comfortable at home and it would be hard to return the next day. This constant back and forth, living two lives, created more trauma than I realized. I didn’t really “belong” in either place. My nerves were very frayed after two-and-a-half years. But now I am only a few minutes away from campus, living in my own apartment, with several years of adult life under my belt. Without the distractions of my parents and pets and everything at that house, I can focus on my schoolwork. I hope to reach the same academic level as before, but minus the emotional strain. And I definitely want to be part of the Furman community. To that end I have joined The Gilpatrick Society (the History club) and plan to join at least one other group if I have enough time.
On the day before classes started, I attended the Opening Convocation. I felt a sense of pride when the representatives of the History department, my department, came in with their banner. I want to be a part of that now. I want to be well-known in those circles as an exceptional student. If God wills, I even want to reach the heights of the five Furman Fellows, who were recognized at the ceremony with strong resumes and glowing faculty reviews. In the past I have feared that status and despised the “perfect” students. I suppose I still don’t want to be a stereotypical Furman student. But I want to be the best I can be and reach my potential. In other words, I want to live out the life God wants for me, whether that means obscurity or fame or somewhere in between. And I don’t want to hold back and graduate with regrets. I absolutely love history, so I want to excel as a History major. I want to be the kind of student that the History professors want to have as a future colleague, not because I run over other people to elevate myself, but because I am passionate, hardworking, generous, and truth-seeking. Ultimately, I want to represent my Master in the secular world of academia.
Another wonderful thing happened on Convocation day. I had received a good amount of financial aid to cover the cost of attendance, but I was still going to have to pay almost $6,000 out of pocket each semester this year (assuming I didn’t get a private student loan). Even though I signed up for a payment plan to spread out the payments over three months, it was going to be very tight, especially since I now have to pay rent and other bills and I didn’t have a new web design project in the pipeline. I looked at the future with deep fear. I kept calculating, trying to figure out how to make it work. Also I prayed to God in desperation to somehow provide for me. I had taken a huge leap of faith, trusting God with something I normally don’t trust Him with, considering my history of misunderstanding His character and feeling like He has only taken away–never given–the things I love. For example, I lost all four grandparents before I was 21 and I’ve also experienced the deaths of multiple beloved pets. Not to mention my family’s constant struggle with finances and my lifelong battle with anxiety. But this time I looked back on all that He has given me over the past few years: therapy and medication, a job, an apartment, a loving congregation, a chance to return to Furman–the list goes on. I had no choice but to trust Him, yet I didn’t see how He would do it. There was no way this would work, yet it had to work!
That morning I woke up to an email from the Office of Financial Aid, informing me that they saw I was returning to complete my degree and wanted to support me by giving me another scholarship! I checked my account and it covered my balance exactly! Then, while I was trying to call my mom to tell her the good news, I got a call from a current client who said he had a new project. I couldn’t believe it. I just started laughing. I felt like someone had paid off a huge debt for me. It’s an extraordinary feeling. Now I know what those people felt like when the Master healed them from their afflictions and burdens. And once God does that, materially or spiritually, you’ll find you’re willing to follow Him anywhere.
Isaiah 61:1-2 (Complete Jewish Bible)
1 The Spirit of Adonai Elohim is upon me,
because Adonai has anointed me
to announce good news to the poor.
He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted;
to proclaim freedom to the captives,
to let out into light those bound in the dark;
2 to proclaim the year of the favor of Adonai…
Matthew 7:7-11 (Complete Jewish Bible)
7 “Keep asking, and it will be given to you; keep seeking, and you will find; keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who keeps asking receives; he who keeps seeking finds; and to him who keeps knocking, the door will be opened. 9 Is there anyone here who, if his son asks him for a loaf of bread, will give him a stone? 10 or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 So if you, even though you are bad, know how to give your children gifts that are good, how much more will your Father in heaven keep giving good things to those who keep asking him!
Luke 17:11-19 (Complete Jewish Bible)
11 On his way to Yerushalayim, Yeshua passed along the border country between Shomron and the Galil. 12 As he entered one of the villages, ten men afflicted with tzara‘at met him. They stood at a distance 13 and called out, “Yeshua! Rabbi! Have pity on us!” 14 On seeing them, he said, “Go and let the cohanim examine you!” And as they went, they were cleansed. 15 One of them, as soon as he noticed that he had been healed, returned shouting praises to God, 16 and fell on his face at Yeshua’s feet to thank him. Now he was from Shomron. 17 Yeshua said, “Weren’t ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Was no one found coming back to give glory to God except this foreigner?” 19 And to the man from Shomron he said, “Get up, you may go; your trust has saved you.”